●愛する人への恋文はぁっ、暑いよー・・・。

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はぁっ、暑いよー・・・。

「はぁっ、暑いよー・・・。」
夏、うだるような暑さが続く日本列島。とある田舎の比較的古い一軒家、少年は呟いていた。
「マジ暑い！　俺はカキ氷食べに行く！！　いいな？？？」
誰に許可を得たのかは謎だか、そう叫びカキ氷を食いに向かう彼。
彼の家からカキ氷が売ってある店までは、10キロはあった。

つまり、『熊本市上通り現代美術館』から『熊本市ゆめタウン光の森』までぐらいの距離はあったのだが、
こんな例えじゃ誰も解らないので却下された。
「なんで却下なんですか？　万人に受け入れられる話なんて俺はごめんです！！」
と、監督に熱く抗議する青年の話は、この物語とは一切関係無かった・・・。

そして話はカキ氷を食いに行った少年に戻る。

「うおぉぉぉ！！！！」

走り続ける少年。
何キロか走った道中、田舎道から離れ店もぽつぽつと存在する道路脇の歩道を走っていると、
『フォレスト・ガンプ』が走っていた。だがその話もまた別の話であった。

すると『24時間テレビ』の今年のマラソンランナー、『はるな愛』が現れた。
「ヤラセデナニガワルイノ？？？」
と、少年に詰め寄る。
「えっ！？」
「ぶっ通しで走れる訳無いでしょ！？　ヤラセでナニがワルイノ？？？」
と、少年を抱きしめそう叫ぶ。
「黙れえぇぇ！！　俺はカキ氷が食べたいんだ！　お前等の戯言に興味は無い！」
少年は慌ててダッシュし、その場を立ち去る。

そして更に数十メートル走り続けると、通り道に、入水自殺しようとしている母子がいた。

「どけぇボケども！！　俺はカキ氷が食べたいんだ邪魔するなあ！！」

と、母子を投げ飛ばす。
母子は遠く投げ飛ばされ偶然『黒柳徹子』の元につき、命を救われたそうだ・・・。

「うおぉぉぉぉ！！　カキ氷いぃ・・・！！」

そして市街地につくと、「引ったくりだあぁ！！」と何やら騒いでおり、
怪しい男がナイフを突き出し少年の元に向かってくる。
「カキ氷食わせろよぉ！！」
と、一撃でその暴漢をぶっ倒す少年。

「暴漢(ぼうかん)をぶっ倒してる少年を傍観(ぼうかん)者は見てるだけ、プププ・・・」

と、その場に居合わせた田中さんが、瞬時に思い付いたギャグを披露したがウケなかった。
それが理由で自殺した。
「親父・・・なんでだよ・・・無視した奴等、ウケなかった奴等・・・許さん！！」
と怒りに燃える『田中息子物語』はまた別の話でありまする。

そして、暴漢をぶっ倒した少年に駆け寄るのは、
AKB48で一番可愛い、『植木あさ香』であった。
「えっ、一番可愛い？」と突っ込んだ鈴木さんは、突然変死した。
「つか誰だよ？？？」と突っ込んだ伊藤は、難病で苦しむ事になった。
作者は「俺の美的感覚とかが疑われるから、植木あさ香の事一番好きって場面は編集でカットしてくれ」
ってお願いしたが、後日『痔』になった。
ちなみに彼女は元研究生・・・作者の知り合いでもあるのだが、
そんな事はこの物語とは一切関係無かった。

「ありがとうございました・・・何かお礼を・・・」

と、少年に言う、微妙に可愛い植木あさ香。

「うっせーんだよ！　いいからカキ氷食わせろよぉ！！」

と突っ撥ね、再びカキ氷を食いに向かう少年。

すると、カキ氷屋があるテナントが騒がしかった。

「火事だあぁぁぁぁ！！」
「まだ子供が中にいるぞ！？　どうするんだ？　誰か行けよこら」
「てめえが行けボケが殺すぞ」

と、『離婚する夫婦が出来の悪い子供』の押し付け合い状態になっていた。

「あぁもうどいつもコイツも・・・邪魔しないでくれよぉ！！」

少年は服を脱ぎ、『マックスパワーかめはめ波』を火事が起こっているテナントに放った！！
すると、火は吹き飛んだ。ちょっとここらの描写は面倒なので、とにかく吹き飛んだ。

「わあぁぁぁぁぁぁああああぁぁぁぁ！！！」

全盛期の頃のジャニーズの人気グループ『KAT-TUN』のライヴばりの歓声だった。
このブログ書いてる主ばりに格好よくて歌唱力のあるエース『赤西仁』が脱退し、
今後彼等のライヴは『サクラ客』で溢れる事だろうが、それはこの物語とは一切関係無い。

「ありがとうございました、なんとお礼を言っていいのか・・・」

と、テナント管理人が駆け寄って来る。

「カキ氷・・・くれよ・・・」
「はっ？」
「いいから黙ってカキ氷くれよ！！！！　
　ヤムチャの必殺技『狼牙風風拳（ろうがふうふうけん）』でぶっ倒すぞてめえ！？」
「わっ、わかりました・・・」

管理人は「それなら食らっても無傷っぽいんだが・・・」と思いつつも、
どうやらカキ氷を取りに行ったらしい・・・。

そして『NHK名物アニメ忍たま乱太郎』の一日の放送時間ぐらい、つまり10分が経過し、
管理人が戻って来る。

「お待たせしました・・・！！」
「！？」

父親が反抗期の娘から声かけられるぐらいに喜び、振り向く少年。

「ご希望の、『牡蠣(カキ)』と私の娘『郡(コオリ)』でございます！　貰ってください」
「！？」

フォレスト・ガンプは何故走り続けていたのだろうか・・・。
少年の脳裏には、そんな疑問が過ぎった。

・・・そして数日後・・・。

「はいアナタ、アーンして」
と、少年の愛妻、『郡』が『牡蠣』を少年の口に運んでいる。
「あっ、あーん・・・」

すると、死に損ないの師匠が現れる。

「師匠！？」

「そうやって牡蠣を食べて、食後のデザートには郡ちゃんを食べるんなら、
　お前は『カキ氷』を食べられたんじゃないか！！」

と叫び、師匠は死んだ。安らかな死に顔だった。どさくさで落書きした。

「師匠・・・はい・・・」

そして、そんな幸せそうな新婚夫婦が住む家を遠くのガケから望遠鏡で見詰める、
謎のシルエットがあった。

「ふふふ・・・精々今のうちに楽しんでおくんだな・・・
　もうすぐ、魔王の封印は解かれる・・・ふふふ・・・はっはっはっはっ・・・！！」

この謎のシルエットの主は、ガケから落ちて死んだ。
魔王は復活するのが面倒だったので復活しなかった。

Pagetop

2010年7月28日の夕飯(うまかっちゃん)＆空と川と大地の風景 « ホーム » 2010年7月27日の夕飯(無し)＆空と川と大地の風景

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